Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone’s secret to happy relationship is ‘go to bed mad.’ What do experts think?
Many couples swear by this piece of advice for a successful relationship: “Never go to bed angry.”
While the saying’s origin remains a mystery, it’s continuously doled out to newlyweds and long-term partners alike. But Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone, who have been married for 19 years, say they are not believers of the adage.
In an Oct. 28 clip of “Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen,” the actors shared their “key to a long-lasting relationship” and playfully revealed why they sometimes go to bed angry.
“People say, ‘Don’t go to bed mad.’ I say f— it. Go to bed mad. It’s fine,” Falcone said as McCarthy nodded in agreement.
Host Andy Cohen was amused by the unconventional advice and asked, “If you go to bed mad, do you typically wake up mad?”
Falcone went on to explain the merits of tabling a brewing fight for the next morning.
“You forget what the hell you were fighting about in the first place. I guarantee it works. I promise,” he said.
McCarthy added that while the situation happens “almost never,” she always asks, “Should we talk?”
Falcone jokingly added, “And then it’s like, you know, ‘We’re going figure it out at 2:15 (a.m.) after I’ve had three cocktails.’ It’s like, no.”
“That’s not happening,” Cohen agreed.
Fans got a kick out of the couple’s hilarious approach to marital advice and took to the comments section of the Instagram post to share their reactions.
“100% agree… I’m always more rational after I’ve slept,” one wrote.
Another commented, “Married 39 years and totally agree 👍🏼.”
Going to bed angry seems to contradict the traditional advice, but does it have merit? We consulted two licensed therapists to find out.
Space — and sleep — can be a good thing
Kelsey M. Latimer, a licensed psychologist and the founder and owner of KML Psychological Services, tells TODAY.com she understands McCarthy and Falcone’s perspective.
“From my point of view, they are not saying to really go to bed angry, but rather to realize what can be let go and when is the most productive time to approach things and talk them out if needed,” she says. “I see what they are saying more as ‘agree to disagree’ and let it be until there is a better time to actually talk about it.”
Underneath the couple’s comedic façade, they’re actually offering some pretty sound advice.
“In any healthy relationship, we need to figure out what is worth talking through and what is worth letting go of,” Latimer explains.
San Francisco-based therapist Avigail Lev, Psy.D., tells TODAY.com that taking a “time out” can help reactivate rational thinking in times of conflict, although the length of that break can vary by person.
While a “time out” period can be calming to some, Lev warned that having too much time to spare has the potential to “enrage” others, who tend to stew in their feelings.
“I remind couples the goal of a time out is to be an adult and identify your feelings and needs and repair yourself and soothe yourself, so you’re coming back to the situation as an adult, knowing your needs, knowing your feelings and having a specific request,” Lev explained.
Lev says that if you’re arguing close to bedtime, sleeping first can actually help move through conflict in a sensible way.
“You have to get sleep and sleep is important for arguing. The less (sleep) you have, the worse that argument will get,” she said.
Latimer also noted that sleep helps to replenish our energy, emotions and cognitive response.
“We often do feel very differently about things after a good rest and our rational brain comes back online to guide and balance our emotional brain.”
Think about the best time to address the conflict
Lev says the time of the day shouldn’t dictate how you deal with conflict, but rather how triggered you’re feeling.
“When we are triggered, we are no longer in our prefrontal cortex being able to make rational decisions and behave effectively,” she explains. “We’re in our amygdala, our primitive brains. We’re in fight or flight. We are aroused and activated. And in reality, that’s just not a time to talk or discuss.”
If you don’t resolve a fight right away, Lev explains that it doesn’t mean you won’t reach a satisfying resolution later on.
“I think the couples that struggle the most are the ones that are not able to take a time out. They need resolution in that second. They can’t let it go without the resolution. And again, that doesn’t mean that you allow stonewalling. It doesn’t mean that people could just disappear for a period of time. It’s very different from stonewalling because it’s not for the person, it’s for the relationship,” Lev said.
But Latimer noted that it’s important for couples to properly address their issues at some point.
“When something is really serious in a relationship, a healthy couple has to return to the discussion and work it through or else things begin to pile up and resentments will build, creating distance or unhealthy patterns in the relationship,” she said.
The bottom line?
McCarthy and Falcone shared some valuable advice in a comedic fashion, but they’re not relationship experts.
“Going to bed angry isn’t the key to a strong relationship, so please don’t take that as a literal prescription. But knowing yourself, learning how to communicate with your partner, and being willing to listen above being right most certainly is a big part of relational success,” Latimer said.
Getting a good night’s rest before you revisit an argument can be productive, but Lev warned against using the approach to avoid the issue at hand, as Falcone seemed to jokingly suggest.
“If you start using it as avoidance, it won’t help because it will start getting bottled up and it will grow and escalate,” she said.
